


I don't wanna be you anymore

by loverjae



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, SixTONES (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:54:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25649887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loverjae/pseuds/loverjae
Summary: Because who wants a broken boyfriend? One who can’t even eat properly, who couldn’t keep his food in his stomach. He was dirty and disgusting, and if Hokuto found out, Taiga would be left all alone again. He was so close to becoming beautiful, he couldn’t just stop now.
Relationships: Kyomoto Taiga/Matsumura Hokuto
Comments: 12
Kudos: 12





	I don't wanna be you anymore

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING : Graphic descriptions of eating disorders. Do not read if this triggers you or makes you feel uncomfortable. 
> 
> Before reading, do note that this is not an attempt at romanticising eating disorders or mental illnesses. Read notes at the bottom for more on this.
> 
> Secondly, I am not calling Taiga fat in any way. In the story, he has body dysmorphia, so he perceives his body to look different from how it actually looks. More on this in my notes at the end.
> 
> THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION. 
> 
> LAST WARNING : do not read if eating disorders make you feel uncomfortable.

“Taiga, did you put on weight again?”

The blond froze as he heard the words leave his mother’s lips. He thought he had been able to slide past down the hallway, narrowly escaping to the comfort of his room, but he was too slow. Or was it because he was too fat? So much so that he wasn’t able to dart away from her beady eyes, the same pair that scrutinised every inch of his body each day. Taiga swallowed the lump of air lodged in his throat, before thinking of what he could possibly say to save himself today.

“I had lunch with some friends…” he drifted off, praying that the pathetic excuse would somehow stop her from doing anything too rash tonight. He saw it in her eyes - disgust. Ashamed, even, of how her very own son looked like. The same look that had been perpetually etched on her face for the past nineteen years Taiga had been alive. 

Taiga wishes he could change. He tries so hard to look how his mom wants him to look. Skinny and pretty. Shit, he’s been trying for more than half of life, but he just can’t help it. He was born that way. Arms naturally soft, the skin on it loose. His stomach juts out, never showing any signs of a ribcage. His thighs, already big enough as they were, but they expanded to twice their size whenever he was seated. Taiga hated every single part of himself. There was nothing to like, because he was the picture of ugliness. Because he was fat. 

So he spent years trying everything to change himself. Every possible diet, every workout regime he has tried. But his body doesn’t react the way he needed it to. Any muscle he builds disappears merely days after dropping a workout routine. The roundness to his stomach reappearing after a single cheat day. In the end, it never works. Coming from a household with celebrity parents, Taiga’s constantly asked why he looks like _that_. He’s so, so tired of embarrassing his parents at every family gathering, so sick of all the hushed whispers from relatives whom he’s never even talked to, but he just can’t change himself, so he continues to suffer.

He saw his mother purse her lips into a thin line before nodding slightly, before going back to whatever she was planning to do. Of course. It would never be in direct, explicit words as she was too refined for that. But he knew what she was thinking, and what she wanted to say. _You’re too fat_. Taiga rushed into his bedroom, slamming the door shut before chucking his backpack on his bed. Then, he pulled his shirt and jacket off, fumbling with his belt before sliding it off along with his pants too, and then he stood right in front of the full-length mirror. He runs his gaze through every corner of his body, nitpicking and tearing at every insecurity he was capable of having. Chest, arms, stomach, thighs. His mom was right, he had managed to gain even more weight, the pasty skin on his stomach rounding the protruding bump. He held all the excess skin and meat in hands, pulling at it, wishing it would come right off, but there it remained, in all it’s glory, staring at him. Reminding him of how he had failed again today. 

The sound of the notification bell from his phone snapped him out of his trance, too fixated on staring at his reflection. He blinks away tears, before reading the notification he just received from Hokuto.

_Lunch with you today was fun. Wanna hang again tomorrow?_

It wasn’t as if Taiga could say no to his boyfriend. But he thought about how much he had eaten earlier today. The cheese burger with all that sauce, it had to be at least 300 calories, right? And it had come with fries, so he had to double that. Lastly, he had split a strawberry milkshake with Hokuto, bringing his total count to around 700. For one meal, Taiga had to remind himself. He sighed, before replying with a quick ‘sure’. They could hang again tomorrow, but Taiga didn’t promise any eating.

—

Hokuto stepped out of the changing room before looking expectantly at Taiga. The older boy smiled brightly, before nodding his head excitedly like a kid. Hokuto sighed, before leaning against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest disapprovingly. 

“You know, you can’t have the same reaction to everything I put on. That kind of defeats the purpose of asking you in the first place,” the brunette complained, turning around in front of the mirror while trying to see how the shirt fit him from all angles. Taiga giggled, before replying. “Well, I really do think you look good in all of them,” he said before drifting off into silence, the smile on his lips fading. Looking at Hokuto, Taiga could see exactly how fit his body looked. The ripples of muscle by his upper arm, the veins visible whenever his forearms naturally flexed, the way his broad shoulders melted into a cinched waist and angular, sharp hips. Everything about Hokuto looked like it had a purpose being there, much unlike Taiga. Everything he had was just extra and out of place. He stared as Hokuto tried to decide between the form fitting long-sleeve shirts. Taiga looked at his own outfit, a sweater that was way too big so he could mask his body shape and straight-cut sweatpants that wouldn’t follow the curve of his thighs. 

Times like this, Taiga wonders what Hokuto sees in him. Why did the younger boy settle for him when it was obvious he could find so much more, so much better? If he was being honest, Taiga was afraid that Hokuto was playing with him. That one day, if he got too vulnerable, if he said I love you, then the younger would burst into laughter, pointing at him like the laughing stock he was. _There’s no way I could ever love someone like you._ And then Taiga would realise that he had been so foolishly strung along. The brunt of a cruel joke, that was all. 

“Taiga, I’m gonna go pay for this one, okay?” the older boy snapped out of his thoughts. He smiled, before nodding and making his way to the door. No, he had to stop thinking those thoughts. Hokuto, who had done nothing but care for him so passionately, so genuinely, wouldn’t do something like that. It was unfair for him to accuse Hokuto of being so low, especially not when the younger had loved him for who he was, fat and all.

“As a reward for accompanying me today, I’ll treat you to lunch,” Hokuto said gleefully while interlocking his fingers with Taiga’s. The smile on the older’s face was immediately wiped off. Taiga started to refuse, trying to tell Hokuto that he didn’t have to spend any money on him, and that he wasn’t hungry, but the taller boy was having none of it.

Taiga felt his pulse quicken as he was pulled towards a restaurant. A pizza place, to be exact. He only realised how hungry he was when he heard his stomach rumble, a blush rising to his cheeks as he prayed Hokuto didn’t catch the sound, but the younger was too engrossed reading the menu, listing out everything he wanted. Seeing Hokuto look so eager, and well, his stomach wasn’t one to refuse food at the moment either, so after debating with himself in his head, Taiga relented and let himself enjoy this one meal with his boyfriend.

When their food arrived, Taiga was like a man possessed. Having skipped breakfast, the pent up hunger bared its fangs, compelling the older boy to eat everything. Slice after slice, the salty chew of melted cheese followed by the sharp tang of tomato paste, he had to have more. He chomped on the sides of cheese sticks and fries, the sweet feeling of binging carbs releasing some kind of happy chemical in his brain. He didn’t even realise that he was full, he just kept eating, and eating until the very last slice was finished. 

“You look cute when you eat, you know that?” Hokuto laughed while wiping his mouth clean with a napkin. After the initial high faded away, the awful, crawling feeling came back. Suddenly, Taiga was painfully aware of how full his tummy felt, and how it was pushing uncomfortably against the waistband of his pants. The food in his chest that hadn’t even made its way down to his stomach yet threatened to spill out. And most importantly, the guilt eating at his conscious as it spat the words he was so used to hearing, but the blow of them never lightened anyways. _Fat. Look at you, disgusting. Poor Hokuto, he has to look at you._

God, Taiga regretted it so much. He always did this, why doesn’t he ever learn? He plastered a forced smile onto his lips, before excusing himself to the restroom. There was only one thing he could do at this point, and he was desperate enough to do it even though he knew Hokuto was right out there waiting for him. He walked past every single stall, making sure that the restroom was empty before locking himself in the last cubicle. He dropped onto his knees, lifting his hand up to his face but he paused for a second. Taiga hated doing it, but it was one of the only few ways to rid his mind of the guilt. So he shoved two fingers down his throat, pushing around until something triggered and he heaved his chest’s contents. He hated it so, so much. The disgusting feeling of the remains rushing past his hand, the stomach-churning smell and the way his eyes would tear-up from the stimulation. He kept on purging again and again, but it was too late. He’d waited too long after the start of his meal, and no matter how much he tried it felt like there was a huge chunk of food sitting at the bottom of his stomach, unable to get out. Resigned, he fell backwards from his knees onto the tiled floor, hands not even clean enough to wipe away the tears overflowing onto his cheeks. 

The blond couldn’t do anything but wallow in self-pity and regret, but he only had a mere minute to do so before pushing himself back up. He left the stall and scrubbed furiously at his hands, feeling like there was some invisible layer that stained them, kept them dirty. He gargled and rinsed his mouth, hopefully ridding any foul traces. Lastly, he splashed cold water onto his face and prayed that Hokuto wouldn’t notice the red rings around his eyes.

—

Even when he got home, Taiga couldn’t shake off the feeling lingering at the back of his mind. Sighing, he turned on his laptop and went to the only place he could vent about his feelings. Fingers flew across the keyboard as he opened a tab to the familiar page, a forum site specially for dieting - people who want to lose weight. He’s been on the site for almost five years now, every now and then reviewing a new diet fad or fitness YouTuber. The website was his refuge. He knew that everyone who was on it was there for the same reason, so he felt no shame in oversharing his problems. He’d post about how much he hated the way a certain body part looked, and five other people would comment saying they related to him. He felt _safe_.

Idly scrolling down the homepage, he saw a post in all caps drawing his attention. 

LOSING 6KG IN A WEEK : ABC DIET CHALLENGE

Taiga looked at the username. It must’ve been someone new to the community, because he didn’t recognise them. Regardless, he was shocked. Losing more than 5kg in a week’s time was definitely a feat, but he noticed the name of the diet. The ABC diet - Anorexia Boot Camp. Even in the diet community, it was infamous because of how unhealthy and extremely restrictive it was. The gist of it was, you’d slowly decrease your calorie intake each day, training your body to survive on lesser and lesser food. There were even days where you had to fast, meaning that you couldn’t consume anything at all. After which, you’d fluctuate between extremely low calorie intake and higher calorie intake, ranging from 50 to 800 calories. Your body would then be ‘tricked’ into increasing its metabolism, resulting in extreme weight loss. Taiga was always wary of it, hence it was the only meal plan he refused to try.

The user who posted on the site said that it was her third week into the 50-day long diet. He looked at her before and after pictures, seeing how she’d lost all the fat on her stomach, her ribcage now visible. Her shoulders and collarbone region, previously blurred with supple skin now glared at sharp angles. Her pants that used to wrap snugly around her waist now sagged low, barely hanging off her hip bones. The picture of the scale read a measly 41kg. Taiga looked at this and the first word that came to mind was _beautiful_. She was so beautiful. She was exactly the way he wanted to look, and now he knew how he could achieve his goal. He was going to try the ABC diet. 

Over the next few weeks, Taiga followed the calorie plan religiously. Not only did he plan his meals beforehand to make sure he wouldn’t exceed them, but he took care to make sure he didn’t consume anything by accident through drinks or snacks either. He limited himself to only drinking water, tea or black coffee, and he wouldn’t snack on anything either. Every day was a rotation of bland salads and soups.

Going out with Hokuto only made it so much worse. Each time they went out together, Taiga had to think of new ways to avoid eating. “I had lunch before coming,” or “my mom wants me home for dinner,” became his most frequently used excuses. Not only that, he had to keep up this energetic, bouncy facade because he was honestly so tired. Walking around Harajuku for hours on an empty stomach, Taiga barely had any energy to spare to even stay awake, so most of the time he’d just been avoiding Hokuto. “When I’m done with this, I’ll go on a date with him and he’ll realise how skinny I’ve become.” Taiga fantasised about the day when Hokuto would call him beautiful, after he lost 15kg. Finally, he would look like someone who was worthy of being Matsumura Hokuto’s boyfriend. 

—

When Taiga woke up that morning, his head was blank. He was sure his eyes were open, but for some reason he just couldn’t see anything, just pure darkness. He lay in bed for a while, blinking his eyes until his surroundings became visible again. He checked the date on his phone that was lying on his bedside table. Day 20 of the diet. He felt a pang in his stomach before he curled in on himself, arms clutching around his now bony waist. The blond felt dread creeping up on him. Yesterday, he only had a bowl of chicken vegetable soup for dinner, limited by the 100 calorie restriction. But today, it was going to be so much worse. It was a fasting day, which meant no eating at all.

After his hunger pangs subsided, Taiga slowly lifted himself off the edge of his bed. He leaned against the wall for support as the familiar feeling of all the blood rushing to his brain made his head spin. Steadying himself, he walked towards the scale, right in front of it his full length mirror. He peeled off the shirt he had on, and smiled at what he saw staring back at him. All he had left was bone and skin. He was no longer soft, or pudgy. He was sharpened and pronounced, each contour of his bones starkly visible. When he looked closely, he noticed fine hairs growing all over his torso. When he searched it up on his phone, he found out it was lanugo. The body’s desperate attempt to keep warm enough to survive in the absence of fat. His heart soared with pride at the fact. When he stepped on the scale, he grinned at the number. 48kg. Definitely not near enough to his goal, but he was getting there. He was starting to like how he looked. 

Other than the fast, he had another obstacle to overcome to get through the day. With his parents gone on a holiday, Hokuto insisted that he come sleepover for the night. Taiga, who had been stealthily avoiding him for the past two weeks in hopes of surprising the younger boy with his brand new body, wasn’t ready to show his transformation yet. But he knew that Hokuto wouldn’t take no for an answer, so he prepared to hide himself throughout the entire day.

Taiga put on the biggest sweater he owned, the grey material going past his knees and a pair of loose, black sweatpants. He puts on a mask too, which wasn’t all that weird considering it was winter and he could pass it off as a cold. But he noticed the way he shakes with every move he made, so he decided that he would have to be as still as possible to make sure Hokuto wouldn’t notice. And he reminded Hokuto not to bring any food either. He just had to make it through tonight, and he would be able to eat with the brunette tomorrow.

The bell rang at 4pm, and Taiga’s hand shook as he tried to grip the doorknob in order to open it. He greeted Hokuto with a hug, careful not to get too close such that Hokuto would feel his body. The blond immediately rushed to the couch, laying on it entirely so that his body wouldn’t give out at any second. 

Hokuto was never one to initiate any cuddling, so Taiga prayed he could get through their sleepover without having the younger one pressed against him in any way. To avoid suspicion, Taiga interlocked his fingers with Hokuto who was seated on the white fur rug, keeping some sort of physical contact as they did their own things. That was how most of their dates went anyways. Hokuto would lean up against Taiga, the younger typing away on his laptop while the latter strummed on the guitar. Today, Taiga held Hokuto’s hand as the brunette occupied himself with a book, the older boy with Netflix on his phone. 

After an hour or so in, Taiga felt his head spin even though he was already lying down. His heart was racing way too fast, he was afraid it was going to stop beating altogether. He needed to consume something, anything to control his already quickening breathing. The blond noticed the glass of water that he had left on the dining table. He would’ve asked Hokuto to get it for him, but he knew the simple request would only raise suspicion. The mere steps to the table felt like horizons away, almost like a mirage in some desert of starvation that he was trapped in. He had to reach it before anything bad happened, and so the blond pushed himself off the couch and tried to make his way across the room.

The moment Taiga stood up, he felt all the blood rush up to his head, but it felt a million times worse than it usually did. The amplified sensation caused his vision to go completely black, his pupils rolling back into his head as he lost all feeling in his legs. Taiga couldn’t feel anything anymore but the swaying and soft thud he had barely managed to register meant that he had probably collapsed onto the floor. Hokuto was yelling his name, but where was he? He sounded so far away, like he was in another room, or like he was underwater. Taiga felt his eyelids close before his consciousness fully left him and he lost all his senses.

—

When he came to, Taiga woke up in his bed. Craning his neck around, he saw Hokuto kneeling beside the bed, the younger boy’s eyes widening in shock as he realised that the blond had awoken. Hokuto brought something to the blond’s lips, his other hand stroking Taiga’s back as he pushed the straw in between his cracked lips. Taiga felt completely helpless, just letting the sweet, apple-flavoured liquid flow down his throat. 

“Taiga. You have to tell me what’s wrong,” the younger boy started gently. Taiga kept his mouth shut for fear of everything coming, spilling right out. No matter how much he loved the younger, Taiga couldn’t tell him how he felt about himself. It was too embarrassing, and if he told Hokuto how he had been living for the past few weeks, no, years of his life, he was afraid that the boy would break things off with him.

Because who wants a broken boyfriend? One who can’t even eat properly, who couldn’t keep his food in his stomach. He was dirty and disgusting, and if Hokuto found out, Taiga would be left all alone again. He was so close to becoming beautiful, he couldn’t just stop now.

“If you can’t tell me what’s going on, I can’t help you, Taiga. Please, I need to help you,” the words came out cracked and shaky. Taiga couldn’t bear to make eye contact with Hokuto, fixing his eyes on the sheets wrapped around his torso. Hearing that being said, Taiga broke down, everything he’s ever felt about himself cascading out like a broken dam. All it took was for someone to reach out, for someone to care and Taiga could finally say everything he’s been keeping pent up inside for years. He sobbed as he told Hokuto how he felt about his body, how much he’s hated it his entire life. He admits to purging and trying the ABC diet, essentially starving himself for the past month. As the older boy cries through his words, he feels wetness drip onto his arm. Confused, he turns to see Hokuto crying beside him.

“I’m sorry I didn’t realise.”

If it was even possible, Taiga wanted to cry even more. It wasn’t Hokuto’s fault he was messed up like this, so why was the younger apologising? Almost like he could read the older boy’s thoughts, the answer came soon after.

“The very fact that I didn’t think anything was wrong, even though you were suffering this much. I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything.” The two continued to sob, feeling sorry for themselves, for their terrible fate. Taiga felt Hokuto crawl into the bed, the younger’s body that was pressed up against his own shaking with the force of his sobs. The blond felt fingertips pushing up the hem of his sweater, burning touch splaying against his body. The fingers softly mapped the skin that was now pulled taut against his hip bone. “What are you doing?” the blond mumbled confusedly.

For the first time, Hokuto had realised how skinny Taiga had become. He traced his way to Taiga’s front, where he then pressed his palm against Taiga’s hollow stomach. The older boy felt so frail, like he could break within Hokuto’s touch. The younger ghosted a trail down the thin torso, pushing down the waistband of Taiga’s sweatpants. Gently, he squeezed Taiga’s thighs, pulling at the skin there, as the younger began peppering kisses down his neck, swiping his tongue out over Taiga’s Adam's apple before kissing down to his chest. 

Pausing, Hokuto spoke with his head buried in Taiga’s chest, his lips touching the exposed skin with every word he spoke. 

“Every part of you that you hate, I’ll love. I’ll love you for the both of us until you can learn to love yourself. So please, don’t do this to yourself, Taiga.”

Hearing the hurt radiating from Hokuto’s words, Taiga truly felt sorry. He realised that it wasn’t worth it. He wasn’t just hurting himself, but Hokuto as well. So he decided he would get better. Maybe it wasn’t for himself just yet, but for Hokuto. For Hokuto, who would love him no matter what. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone. This fanfic is more on this serious side, but I was in the middle of writing a personal essay for school and this came to mind. This came together when I read translations of Taiga being called the 'chubbiest' member. If the combination of this touchy topic and SixTONES makes you feel uncomfortable, please do not leave any hateful comments regarding this. I've already given two warnings at the start of the fanfic.
> 
> Again, I am not agreeing AT ALL with whatever Taiga says in the story. I do not think he is fat, I am not saying that his mother has this toxic mindset in real life either. Please understand that this is fiction. In the story, Taiga says all these things about his body but he does not actually look obese or even overweight. He looks exactly the same as he does in real life, but for this story he happens to have Body Dysmorphia Disorder (BDD), which makes him perceive himself to look differently. I wrote this kind of as a 'self-insert' as I have had some personal experience about this, but I am not an expert, please understand.
> 
> Lastly, I do not condone anyone trying the ABC Diet. It is extremely restrictive and unhealthy, and could lead to very severe health risks. 
> 
> Please only leave comments regarding the writing, quality of the story, not the topic. Thank you so much!


End file.
